Once upon a time, when I was single, I carried around a mental list of what my perfect match was supposed to be. One day, a friend told me I just needed to find a person of virtue and good character. This completely changed my perspective forever, and subsequently, my life.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I’m reflecting on my own experiences and the different stages of love. If you ever find or you already found that person, here is my controversial unsolicited advice…
Stage 1: Falling in love
· No rush and no test run: 60 percent of cohabiting couples will eventually marry. However, living together prior to marriage can increase the chance of getting divorced in the future. Real love takes time, try not to make any life-changing decisions while you are high on dopamine. To geek out, read Dr. Helen Fisher Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment.
Stage 2: Becoming a couple
· Butterflies won’t be there forever and is OK: When the infatuation has worn off, you have the opportunity to connect in a deeper emotional level, and you can start seen each other for what you really are. (And hopefully at this point you are still not married, just in case you realize you don’t like what you see)
Stage 3: Disappointment
· Nobody is perfect, who would’ve thought: Two-thirds of separations are initiated by women claiming to be unhappily married. I bet most of those women were probably at this stage. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good, this is the time to set realistic expectations and grow. Acceptance and forgiveness are essential for creating a happy and fulfilling life. (I know… easier said than done)
Stage 4: Lasting love
· Love is not a feeling; love is a decision to be made every day: Date nights are a must, never leave the house without a kiss, treasure every moment and don’t stop putting the time and the effort, make that dinner, wear that dress, style your hair, even if you don’t feel like it, especially if you don’t feel like it, be “A Suitable Helper” because love is a very rewarding self-discipline exercise that will train you to become the best version of yourself.
Stage 5: Repeat
· Stage 3 – Stage 4: Until death do you part!
To learn more about the neuroscience of happiness in long-term relationships you can listen to Murdock Mind, Body, Spirit Series: Love, Lust, Commitment, and the Brain.
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